“A weekend at Rob Brown’s house during the sweetwater contest may just be the funnest thing ever.”
-Confucius
The renowned Chinese philosopher never really said that. Unfortunately for him, he was too busy philosophizing in 500 BC to ever even meet Rob Brown. That poor sap.
When you have a weekend as remarkable as the one I just had, the only sufficient way to start the story off is to make up shit that Confucius never said. Please allow me to just give you a few snippets of what happened this past weekend under the supervision of ERGO’s newest team rider, Mr. Rob Brown.
I went out in my professional surfing heat on a boogey-board while wearing jean shorts and a hockey helmet. Surprisingly enough, I got third out of three surfers. Some heats were four-man, so technically… I actually beat a few people. Yes.
Pre-heat yoga.
Life has taught me that with a canoe, along comes many great stories. Examples:
1. We showed up during the middle of the tow-at contest on the canoe and gloriously rode a wave all the way to the sand. I had my hockey helmet on for that one. For safety, mainly.
From ESM
Do they have a WQS for canoeing? (Foreshadowing; Take a moment to remember this. Trust me.)
3. The bar that everyone went to after the contest just so happened to be right on the inter-coastal waterway. What a lucky day for canoe enthusiasts! We showed up, sweaty after battling with a mean current, in rare form. A few beers at the bar lead to a victory lap on the canoe. A victory lap on the canoe lead to being pulled over by a police boat(We tried to elude the cops. It didn’t work. At all.) Being pulled over by a police boat lead to threats of taking us all to jail (the canoe had about 7 empty 40 oz. bottles in it) and a 160 dollar ticket. Dodging a jail cell and taking a 160 ticket lead to being towed back to the bar by a police boat. The whole bar watched as this scene unfolded. They cheered for us, and booed at the cops, and then I was wearing the hockey helmet at the bar.
7. One night, we decided to canoe to the bar. Instead of only getting our feet wet by walking down and hopping it, in the name of sport, we chose to board the canoe on top of the ramp and try to launch down. I’m not sure what I meant by “in the name of sport” either, because the only result was getting soaking wet and that’s not very sportsmanlike. This left me smelling like a sting ray. String rays never pick up women at bars, and neither did I. This is the most accurate representation of the event that I can communicate:
If I had to give advice to children, the first piece would be to never hit puberty because puberty leads to facial hair and unwanted facial hair is such an inconvenience. The second would be to never leave your shirt in the microwave unattended, because it might catch fire. Rob left his shirt in the microwave and it caught fire. Everybody who is reading this should make their first priority in life to be meeting Rob Brown, to ask him why he would put a shirt in the microwave. Because I am not going to tell you.
A new trend, maybe.
More things probably happened. Probably.
